It’s causing me stress and anxiety, and there’s really nothing I can do. I feel heartbroken that I haven’t been able to get pregnant and desperately afraid this will drag on for years or ever. I don’t feel like I can move forward professionally, with our family, with anything because I’m waiting for the rest of the family I want. Right now, this, this everything, really, feels devastating. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. I looked up that quote by Steve Jobs yesterday about connecting the dots: You can’t connect the dots looking forward you can only connect them looking backwards. I can do what I can do, and then God will give us the baby and family we are ready to have and when I look back, it will make sense and I will be grateful and it will work out, even if it hasn’t yet. That maybe I need to trust the timing of my life. That I need to believe in myself and the universe and God. And I’m starting to wonder if maybe this struggle with infertility is the universes way of trying to show me that I have to trust that there is a plan for me, that the universe, that God does have my back, that I am deserving, and my dreams will come true even if they don’t look exactly like I originally envisioned. I have been trying to find meaning in this rollercoaster that is infertility, because I don’t know how else I can make my heart handle this pain and heartbreak. I didn’t heed the advice to trust the timing of your life. I didn’t trust the universe to provide for me and give me that luck and timing that is in many ways part of the equation too. I didn’t believe I deserved it and that good things happen to me or have faith in myself that I could do it. But I also can’t help but wonder how much of my life has not happened as I wanted or wished because as much as I tried to control it with a tight grip, I didn’t really believe it would happen for me. Adding that stress and blame isn’t helping and some of it is the way our society approaches fertility now - that women feel they are to blame when they struggle to get pregnant and feel shame. I’m dealing with heartbreaking fertility struggles, and wondering if I may have willed some of this on myself. I’m not one of those people who gets her dreams without lots of blood, sweat and tears. In my mind, I told myself as I always do that I’m not one of those people who things come easy for. It was really quick, but I was convinced it would take awhile and I’d be one of those unlucky women who had to deal with heartbreaking fertility struggles. I was SHOCKED when I got pregnant with James. This is about a deep seated fear I have that in some way I’m not enough or I’m not destined to have a great life or that I won’t be able to achieve my dreams or have what I want. But that’s not what this is really about. I have never been a particularly positive person. Now, fertility books are telling me the same. But unfortunately, as I get older, I realize that I always hold doubt in the back of my mind that those things will, in fact, happen, and deep down, I wonder if, as most self-help gurus claim, your thoughts do have a bigger influence over your life than you might think and mine are holding me back. I am a firm believer that you control your own destiny and you have to make things happen for yourself. For someone who is a control freak and has in many ways felt like she’s been treading water for two years yearning for change and to move on to the next stage of her life but unable to do it, it’s been something I’ve found myself quoting quite often. And now, each month, after each failed attempt at getting pregnant and questions about what to do next, I’ve found myself repeating the quote to myself each time I feel like I can’t keep going or that I’m cursed in some way (which in my pity party moments, it often feels that way). Awhile ago I read the quote “ Trust the timing of your life” and saved it and every time I see it again, I always screenshot or save it. In fact, I have an entire Pinterest board dedicated to quotes, and a saved section on my Instagram with them.
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